Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My brother tells me that I work better under pressure, I make things happen when it is time to pull the last straw. Yet I wonder when the last straw is to late. Say for example my first marriage, I was way to late with that. And I see that as one of my biggest monsters yet. My x-wife, what started out as a loving relationship soon turned bitter. It wasn’t for a long time though, we had been friends for along time, dating on and off. I always seem to end up going back to her. There were things about her family that I didn’t agree with, her mother was always trying to get even or out right hurt her father and her father chose a mistress, because her mother would not do anything for him or herself. They both kinda forgot about their children. My first idea, and I saw it later in life, was to save her from the cruelties of life, meaning that I wanted to treat her better than anyone ever had. That was also my first mistake, my second was that I was selfish, I wanted what I wanted. I was a work aholice, I had dreams of opening my own business and thought my wife would be there with me. The thought of doing what I thought was right, was not the same as hers. And I thought that what I was doing was right, till the last two years. The last two years I had no idea of right vs wrong, and I was crying out for help in every wrong way I could. Never the less we both had our own agendas, and nether one of us had the other one in mind. some where along the line I could not wait for the kids to grow up so one of two things would happen. The first was that we would have time for each other and could work together, maybe put something back that we had lost. The second thing was that I could get out of this relationship, with out hurting our children. You see, and I still believe this till to today, children need family, and I would sacrifice my needs for the family. It doesn't work that way, some where along the line we start taking what we thought we needed to feel wanted or needed, or just feel different. And that comes from both sides, meaning that she was trying to get what she wanted or needed from some place else also, her choice was a bit different that mine, but never the less they both were destructive to the relationship. Instead of working together to save what ever we thought we had, we worked apart to get further apart. So I took this already bitter individual, and made her all the more bitter and mean to make things worse. To this day, I don’t remember having many good times or even why I found her attractive. To this day now I find her to be a bitter, vindictive, self loathing, I don’t care, kind of person. And I hope that my kids see something different in life. Someday I hope they will understand. I see some difference in my children, I see so of me in my children and I hope that they are strong, their mother lacks in the people areas. Some would say that I taught her that over a long period of time, for I don’t trust people easily. Some would say that the reason she doesn't trust people is because of me. So never the less we are both thornes in each other side, her getting her licks in ever time she can, and me, well lets just say that I now have to put her in a legal position to get things to evenly fall on my side, if I have a side or a say. The courts have never been very good to me. The horror stories of a relationship or devorce are ones that must be lived not talked about, to much one sidedness.