Tuesday, February 5, 2008

We do funny things in the name of LOVE!!

My brother tells me that I work better under pressure, I make things happen when it is time to pull the last straw. Yet I wonder when the last straw is to late. Say for example my first marriage, I was way to late with that. And I see that as one of my biggest monsters yet. My x-wife, what started out as a loving relationship soon turned bitter. It wasn’t for a long time though, we had been friends for along time, dating on and off. I always seem to end up going back to her. There were things about her family that I didn’t agree with, her mother was always trying to get even or out right hurt her father and her father chose a mistress, because her mother would not do anything for him or herself. They both kinda forgot about their children. My first idea, and I saw it later in life, was to save her from the cruelties of life, meaning that I wanted to treat her better than anyone ever had. That was also my first mistake, my second was that I was selfish, I wanted what I wanted. I was a work aholice, I had dreams of opening my own business and thought my wife would be there with me. The thought of doing what I thought was right, was not the same as hers. And I thought that what I was doing was right, till the last two years. The last two years I had no idea of right vs wrong, and I was crying out for help in every wrong way I could. Never the less we both had our own agendas, and nether one of us had the other one in mind. some where along the line I could not wait for the kids to grow up so one of two things would happen. The first was that we would have time for each other and could work together, maybe put something back that we had lost. The second thing was that I could get out of this relationship, with out hurting our children. You see, and I still believe this till to today, children need family, and I would sacrifice my needs for the family. It doesn't work that way, some where along the line we start taking what we thought we needed to feel wanted or needed, or just feel different. And that comes from both sides, meaning that she was trying to get what she wanted or needed from some place else also, her choice was a bit different that mine, but never the less they both were destructive to the relationship. Instead of working together to save what ever we thought we had, we worked apart to get further apart. So I took this already bitter individual, and made her all the more bitter and mean to make things worse. To this day, I don’t remember having many good times or even why I found her attractive. To this day now I find her to be a bitter, vindictive, self loathing, I don’t care, kind of person. And I hope that my kids see something different in life. Someday I hope they will understand. I see some difference in my children, I see so of me in my children and I hope that they are strong, their mother lacks in the people areas. Some would say that I taught her that over a long period of time, for I don’t trust people easily. Some would say that the reason she doesn't trust people is because of me. So never the less we are both thornes in each other side, her getting her licks in ever time she can, and me, well lets just say that I now have to put her in a legal position to get things to evenly fall on my side, if I have a side or a say. The courts have never been very good to me. The horror stories of a relationship or devorce are ones that must be lived not talked about, to much one sidedness.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I was so misunderstood, and really dumb

The first monster that I had help in creating, would be my brother, the second oldest. The only reason I say help in creating is because he is my parent’s creation, but we influenced each other quit well. From day one, we are still best of friends, but people would not have guessed that when we were younger. I would beat on him and he would tell on me. before high school, I would use him as my personal punching bag. He would get back at me in other ways ( dad could always even up the score ). Once in high school, it was different, no one was going to beat on my brother but me. So I took it upon myself to beat on those that thought they could beat on him, one became his best friend, a couple of times of being dropped in the hallway, got the message across quit well. This person thought that the first time might have been that he was picking on my brother, the second time reassured him that it was. Once this person took the time to get to know my family, he was let’s say, not so mean to my brother and than became life long friends.

The monsters that I’ve created, say when I was younger, early teens, I can only say that I was an influence. As in much of my life, the more contact I had, the more of an influence I was. In my late teens that I seem to have more contact with people that needed some form of guidance. The years when partying was more important than almost anything else. And the people that where around me, seem to be willing to do anything. I was not the best role model a parent could ask for, for that fact I would not let my kids today hang around me back than. I had a way of getting things done that, well one might say, was unethical. Any means to an end, I mean that even if no one else could find a way to fix or solve a problem, I could. And some of the people that were around me, at the time, learned that. I can say now that some of the things that I could come up with were not in my best interest. One example that I could use would be; in one of my partying apartments, I came home in a bad mood, I really needed to catch a buzz. One of the hang arounds that were there, had a bag of weed, and waved it in my face. Not a good thing to do at the time, I retrieved my hatchet and carved the seat from underneath him. Right between his legs, about the third or forth time that I swung the ax, he had a bowl filled and was offering it to me. Not the right thing to do, but it accomplished my goal. The problem that effect after that, was when one of the kids that I was letting hang around decided that he was having a bad day, and in the middle of the main street, he pulls a knife on a drug dealer who has some weed. Now my actions, without a dought, were stupid to say the least, but I was in my apartment, behind lock doors, the only thing that I touched was my bar stool. I made no threats and there was no one, of whom that I was worried about talking or seeing the wrong thing. This kid was in the middle of down town, in rush hour traffic, the whole world could see, and did. He, how every, got away with it and the fruits of his lobar paid off. This kid who we will call “the Kid” spent many years following me around, he learned a few things to survive, but never got the whole picture, you see not all of the things that I did were bad, just not done in an expectable way. I was someone that was known for helping people out, if they were hungry, I feed them, if they needed someplace to stay, I always had a place for them to crash, and I always was willing to listen and give advice. Probably one of the only good things, that time had to offer from me was that I was good at seeing the obvious, and to this day, I still call it as I see it, a shit sandwich is still a shit sandwich, it doesn't matter how much bread it has on it. Needless to say “the Kid” spent a lot of time learning from me, it just seemed that all the things that he learned form me were bad. Where I could make someone that was beating on his wife see the wrong in his ways, the only thing “the Kid” saw was how I did it, not why. Meaning, that I would go in to this mans house and beat this man the same as he would beat his wife. With in a few times of this happening, one of two things would transpond, he would stop beating his wife , for fear that I would show up, or he would leave, for fear that I would show up. Needless to say the beatings stop. “The Kid” only saw that with the beatings that I dish out, to the guy that was beating his wife, would get me the results that I wanted. So he tried his hand a being a bully, with nothing but bad results. If you are going to be a bully, be a bully for the under dog, fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. “The Kid” missed that part, he also missed the part on how to get away with such things. The guy that was beating his wife had a warrant for his arrest, so the last time I beat him, I beat him good enough for him to call the police. ( A lesson that I learned a long time ago was, you can not run from the cops. One, they will always recognize you, two, you can’t out run a Motorola (radio.)) So I waited for them to arrive, they did, and they asked me to leave the seen before I interfered with an on going investigation. The police took him to the hospital, than to jail. Now understand that I don’t calm to be responsible for all “the Kid’s” monstrous acts and I guess that some of my influence was put to good use. meaning that he might have learned something good from me. Years down the road “The Kid” contacted me and told me that he had been through some rough times and if it wasn’t for me he doesn’t think he would have made it through them. Yet he was still at that time, trying to do the right thing and still having a hard time staying out of trouble. I can’t be responsible for the bad choices that people make.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Little Monsters

The monster that I am, came from my parents, and not all of it is bad. I am a stronger person because of my parents, but some of the monstrous things I have done have no reflection on my parents. The things that I have done are souly my choices, and the only reasons that I have for living through them are because of the Lord, and my parents up bringing. I would like to believe that I have done some good things, and I am sure that I have, but sometimes the only things people remember are the bad. Maybe if they look back, they might see the good, even in the bad. You see someone had to make the hard decisions, someone had to make the bad choices, and as always, someone had to learn from them. There is no hand book for life, just guidelines and those are always changing. I am not a bad person, nor do I see myself as a monster, I have done some monstrous things, and I am sure that we all have. I may have created some monsters, and I am sure that some people still see me as a monster, be that as it may, I am a monster that I am proud of. As for the monsters that I have created, it is their choice to see it how they may, good or bad.

Some time in school, and I am not sure if it was high school, or grade school,I came up with the philosophy that “ if you don’t like the way I look, from across the room, stay there. You don’t want to take the time to find out who I am, I don’t have the time to try and impress you, not that I want to anyway. I am me, you can’t judge a book by the cover.” Kids in school at any age are mean, and can be down right vicious. Me included, I am not proud of it but that was the first step in creating monsters. As a kid I was just as confused or scared as the rest of them, I just found different ways to deal with it. In second grade, I found out about the power of a razor blade, in my little mind, a sharp blade could cut anything. I just had to find out what anything was, meaning that I tested the blade on everything. Bad idea, my parents were not impressed by that learning experience. Certain things from one’s childhood will always remain in your mind, good, bad, or otherwise. Some things we choose not to remember, and some things I refuse to tell you about. Only because I am not willing to let you know how messed up of a kid I think I was. I will say that I learned, at an early age, the meaning of power and intimidation, How do we get their attention? Shock them, make them wonder how far you will go, and then take it too far. Most of the time that I got in to trouble was because I took it too far, and was not willing to admit that it was me, that did this thing that I knew was wrong. You see big and bad was a great way of not having to show that you were scared or nervous.

Monday, January 14, 2008

To start with

The Monsters I’ve Created
Ray Ruffo

So many times in life we influence people, and sometimes we have not idea how. This is a closer look than I might want to admit. Even from a small child, we share a bit of ourselves with everyone we meet. Sometimes it is a good thing, sometimes it is not. The way we want people to see us is a big deal, we don’t ever think how that affects them later in life. The people we have meet in our life have influenced us, and a lot of time we don’t see it. How we deal with other people or problems, was learned at an early age, we just modified it to suit our needs. And so goes the modification of our moral’s rise and /or fall. What we accept as good or bad, right or wrong, and what we can live with in our lives. Our work ethics, play patterns, and the choice of mates, have been Swede by what we have seen in others. So here is how I see some of the things that I have had a chance to, let’s say, donate to the rise and/or fall, of man kind.

My parents, I believe, always saw me as a loving child, at an early age. Later in my adolescent age things may have changed, but for a young child, say birth to five years old, I had the same problems every child with A.D.D. had, only they didn’t know what A.D.D. was at the time (1960’s).I was a handful, or so I was told. I lived through being dropped on my head, falling down a flight of stairs, and eating industrial strength epoxy, which my father use to fix my crib with after I tore it apart. Now they say you don’t remember much at that age, I do remember my 3rd birthday party, ask my mom, there are things that she would rather not remember, that may be one. You see at that time my father spent a lot of time at a place called Cosmos, and I do remember my mother telling my father to “take this kid with him” so she could have a break. I remember a lot of women and kids, but no fathers. I remember the garage apartment that we lived in above the gas station / repair shop, with a fenced in roof, my play area. You see things where different back then, dads worked and moms raised the children. After work dads needed to relax, one of those relaxing things where to go to the bar to have a drink. In some families that has not changed, in mine it did. Dad smartened up, and started spending more time with the family, I think that Mom put a leash on that monster. Dad still drinks on occasion, but not like before, you see not all monsters are bad, Dad made Mom strong enough to change the direction our family was going. Mom is the monster that my father created for himself, and that was a good thing. You see people change people, but not always for the better. My parents had some rough years, but they were strong enough to weather it for the better. Now it seems that they have been married forever and they work together well, they still do things on there own, but they also make time for each other. The monsters in their closet, are theirs, and that is up to them to tell that story.